Like all great exposes, Paul Drockton's blog post on the Tiger Woods scandal begins with a question.
Conspiracy theorist Paul A. Drockton, in his post on Conspiracy Planet , begins his musings on the Woods scandal like many sports writers: "As we read the sordid details of Tiger Woods personal life, the question raises its ugly head: How could a man with so much going for him outwardly be such a mess inwardly?"
It's a question that's been on the minds of many people of late, and many sports writers have begun their columns asking the very same sort of question. Sadly, most "professional" journalists with "qualifications",are not nearly as wise as Drockton, who helpfully explains the Woods scandal once and for all.
"Marital fidelity and family life mean nothing to the Illuminati Satanists that are actively manipulating our world." So true. Drockton goes on to outline the "real" cause of the Woods scandal, which is apparently far more complex than it appears.
Woods, according to Drockton, was mentally programmed from an early age by a satanic U.S. Military program called "MKULTRA" in order to become an amoral golfing machine. That's right: The Pentagon, as part of a plot to take over the world (or something), used mind control to turn a small child into a professional golfer. Those fiends!
Why our satanic overlords would devote their evil resources to teach children to play golf of all things isn't fully explained by Drockton. It appears their motives are too diabolically sinister for even Paul A. Drockton to fully comprehend.
Thankfully, Drockton is able to explain how Woods was brought into the mind control program by the late, beloved Comedian Bob Hope, whom Drockton describes as "a notorious MKULTRA programmer and pedophile CIA sexslave handler." Curiously, that part of Hope's resume is left off his Wikipedia page, which must mean Wikipedia is also owned by Satanists (I'm pretty sure I read that somewhere).
Perhaps Drockton's most stunning revelation is that other pro-golfers know Woods is part of an evil conspiracy.
Drockton quotes someone named J.Lee as saying: "Woods is HATED by other golfers, who know he's a manufactured product of Pentagon MKULTRA mind control. I was told this by a pro golfer while we were at an aircraft factory in Oregon hand-building our own personal jet aircraft." And of course, if J.Lee says it, it must be true.
Mysteriously, although they know Tiger Woods is part of some diabolical plot, these pro golfers who apparently build jets with their bare hands have never bothered to mention this to ESPN . I guess they save the really juicy gossip for J.Lee (who may or may not be Jason Lee).
At the end of Drockton's marvelously insightful post which manages to link professional golf, The Jon Benet Ramsey Scandal, Witchcraft and "Illuminati late night comedians," one can't help but be grateful for web 2.0.
Thanks to the miracle of blogging, people like Mr.Drockton (whose rants would likely be rejected by an actual newspaper) can finally reach the public with their incredible insights on websites like Conspiracy Planet.
At last, there is a forum for those fighting against lecherous golfers and evil, Satan worshiping late night comedians. You hear that, Jay Leno?
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I literally cannot tell if that site is for real. I mean, it can't be. And yet, there's nothing that overtly makes it clear that it's parody. Congratulations: I think you have found a singularity that will swallow the internet and with it human civilization.
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